That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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