Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
