when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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