i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
