Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
