I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
soo... how was my night?
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