my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
