I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
