so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
