I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
