Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
