im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize