He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
