Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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