just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
