my mouth tastes like poor choices
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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