Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize