Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Randomize
