Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
