Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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