I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
