I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
