I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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