Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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