Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
