You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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