I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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