omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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