she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
