doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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