Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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