Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
