I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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