my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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