We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
