There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
