Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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