Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Randomize
