between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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