It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
