No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
