There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
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