My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
