So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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