pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
