I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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