After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my poor anus
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
