no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
