if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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