hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
