Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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