I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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