Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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