I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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