I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
