So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
