Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
