even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
