PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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