I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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