He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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